I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
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