i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize