Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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