Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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