In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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