having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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