maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
