If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
