genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
