All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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