i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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