dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
