I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
