i jhust puked up my retainher.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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