We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
