I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
