...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Randomize
