My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
