Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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