I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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