I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
