its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
