for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
