What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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