stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
