I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
