How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
