Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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