the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize