Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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