never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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