Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
