i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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