i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
