happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
