We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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