Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
