dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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