Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
