He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
