she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
