hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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