um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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