Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
