I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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