You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
