I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
