Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize