If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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