dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
