We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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