Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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