I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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