if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize