dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
