my phone needs a breathalizer
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
