When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
