he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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